right right right, so ive joined a new gym, i know this sounds well insignificant, but compared to the gym i was at, i mean this place is just amazing, it has everything a gym should have, plus more!!

there are so many skinny girls there for thinspo, and so many hot guys to remind me why the fuck i dont want to be a hiudeous monster anymore, why i want to be the leanest, meanest, skinnest, pretties girl out there, i want to be FIERCE. and i will be.

you get your own personal trainer and plus every peice of equiptment ahs its own lcd touchscreen huge tv to tell you what to do anbd has a computing perosnal trainer to get your weight goals.

im guna join dance clases and go back to pilates in the evenings and ill hit the gym hard at 5 45 every weekday morning to get kickstarted,the weather is just fab here but thats shit cos that means bikini time is hitting hard and i have nothing to show off yet!

off to the south of france for ten days next week so i can pick up a really lovley tan there and ill use it as an oppourtuinty to drop mega pounds for when i get back!

keep intouch girlies, love you more than anything! x

when i wrote this blog this is the music i was listening to, so i guess to get the feel of it fully you can too

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_aZYjEFcGU

okay, so this is to you all, over the last few months since ive been on here ive never felt more supported, and i really do feel like you girls care about me, and not just my money or who im friends with and where it will get you.....i just know that you all love me as much as i really do love you, and i cant tell you what that means to me, in hard times and good times your all the most beautiful people who have the right things to say and for the right reasons, never change who you are girls because you are amasing, amasing people, and youve all got great lives ahead of you.

i really feel like i need to say this now, because i can see where im going, but i cant go back, this depressed state of obsessive happiness that im spiralling into day by day as i get thinner and thinner and darker and darker, the cuts come back and the glamour fades, but i cant stop now, id rather this be the end and have said what i need to say to you all, because youve all been there for me this whole way, and i dont know but i feel the end approaching and theres no going back once you pass a point, and there is no one here to rescue me this time.... they dont know whats going on in my head and they wont untill its too late because none of them care like they did last time..

Look my darlings, i just needed to say this, maybe itl be okay, but i feel something bad coming on and i cant stop cutting and i cant stop starving and there is nothing to stop me from going.

know that im happy girls, if anything happens, im happy, and thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for making me feel like im worth something when all else fails.

im going to go now...and try to pull my self up, and out, and away, dig out of this hole, find new life, and just hope to fuck that its going to be okay...i really do love you girlies you mean the world to me

Last night was amasing! i havnt been to bed atall and i dont intend to untill tonight! i was up dancing the whole night, which is so good cos it means i burned calories and i went into the new years excercising!! i didnt drink a drop of booze either which im so proud of, ive totally stopped drinking because it just makes you put on water weight and get in a right state and tell evryone about your ED, and im more commited than that now, i know what this means to me and it means more than getting fucked off my face with alcohol! i still had such a good time though! i smoke again now.i really want to quit but very occasionaly i do heavier stuff to help with the weight loss which means that i may aswell smoke....so new yers resolutions and like stuff im gua do this year :

1) ive bought a new blank book which will be my deit journal, and it will contain what i call my ''stick for summer scheme'', which is basically my GW (which is now 85lbs) and when i want it by, im going to write in it evryday, and stick collages in and motivational phrases.

2) im on another juice fast, what a good way to start the new year! with anti oxidants and low calories just to freshen up! not going to try for another evry signifcant weight loss iwth this one, ill only do it for a week or so, just to start the new years well.

3)I also want to make a list of other aesthetic edits which i would like to have done by summer, i talk about summer so excitedley for the main reason that, despite all of my little crushes, at the jack wills varsity polo match last summer i met the love of my life, and i havnt mentioned him on here yet just beacuse there is too much to say!! but he is going again this year and it will be the first time ive seen him since, obviously we speak but he lives in surrey so its hard to see him! i want him to see me transformed from a 140/45 lb monster which i was then to an elegant willowy model like girl! so back to the little edits, i want my teeth whitened, i want my hair waist length..its so almost there but i have to keep it growing!! i want to be tanned! so i will hit the sunbeds or go to the french riviera for a holdiay before the polo!

4) From my weightloss the main things i want are.. really prominant cheekbones, and i LOVE the chest bones that the models get when they wear low slung tops! i dont want my legs to touch at the top when i cross them! i want my hip bones to be really obvious in low slung jeans! i want a TINY waist! i want slim arms! hhaa i could go on forever!

So heres just a photo of me 2 stone heaiver than i am now, i just think i love you all so much its weird that you dont know what i look like? so this is me and my best friend, im the taller one behind! maybe once ive lost all the weight i will put these two or a fatter one and a new one up and we will do a beofre and after!

So girlies! i hope you all had/ have/ are having a good new years! i promise i will do weblog comments later today!!

love you all! xxxxxxxx